Moving by or in with family is one of the first options to be considered when a loved one is diagnosed with dementia, and may ultimately be the best and final living arrangement to provide the required ongoing supervision. While the benefits are obvious: to help share the load, provide backup support, and minimize costs; it is not without certain hazards that need to be weighed and considered.
Regardless of how willing family members may be to help and assist, everyone needs to be aware of the increased, hyper stress which can significantly alter the relationship and feelings of those involved. As I tried to explain in Family Communication & Support, my wife and her mother were best friends and unified prior to our moving in together to provide support for my father-in-law. That quickly changed as the constant pressure of dealing with Alzheimer’s was too much, breaking their relationship and ability to communicate and work with each other. As an indication of how it affected their relationship – 20 years later my wife would say (after she was diagnosed and dealing herself with Alzheimer’s), “My mother looks nice, but she not when you get to know her.”
I also know firsthand as a caregiver what a blessing living with or by family can be. I cannot imagine how I would have been able to hold up and take care of Kristie without the support our daughter and son-in-law provided for 6 years after we moved in with them. And happily, we are still talking to each other. Actually, I think our trust has increased because of our helping and relying on each other.
Another major consideration before making a move to be with family is regarding the availability of outside resources (like daycare options, support groups, respite care, senior services, medical, and even long-term care) in the new location. Family assistance can be a real boon, but other services are just as important, if not more so, as the disease progresses. It’s nice when you have a workable plan and are providing adequate care, but you are always waiting for the other shoe to drop which can change everything and require additions services. I strongly advise against moving to an area where there are less outside community resources which very likely may be needed.
And finally, even if everything points to moving to be with family as the best option for increased support and additional resources – you need to be aware of and prepared for the disruption and confusion this will bring your loved one, who is already struggling to remember and function in their familiar, current environment. The change will be overwhelming and distressing for them as their world turns completely upside down and they lose all sense of direction and feelings of home.
I
have experienced this twice – with my father-in-law, and also with my
wife. In both situations, the move was
made for the right reasons, but we were surprised and not prepared for the anxiety
and radical change it caused for the loved one with dementia. My father-in-law became more agitated, aggressive,
and violent. At one point my wife felt
her life was threatened as he attempted to hit her with a hammer. I had to step in a number of times to wrestle
away a knife or other instrument he attempted to use to threaten others. Fortunately, I was always able to overpower
him, but it was very alarming to say the least.
While Kristie never resorted to aggression or violence, her personality changed when we moved and her world was completely transformed. She had been very lethargic, often sitting and watching television for hours; but after moving she became hyperactive and started to pace almost constantly. She would sit for breakfast, but I often had to feed her lunch and dinner as she paced back and forth.
Looking back, I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that moving would be bewildering and upsetting for my father-in-law, and then again for my wife. After all, they were already struggling and over-whelmed in the world with which they were familiar. If your family is considering a move related to dementia, be aware of the effect it will have on your loved one. Often it is appropriate, or necessary, regardless of the confusion and disruption it will cause.
Readers are encouraged to share their stories, advice, and links regarding Moving by or in with Family in the comments box below.
Resource Links
- Alzheimer’sAssociation – Moving a person with Dementia into a caregiver’s
home.
- Alzheimer’s Society United Against Dementia – When is the best
time to move after a dementia diagnosis?
- A Place for Mom – Should you move your elderly parents into
you home?
- Crisis
Prevention Institute – How to reduce transfer trauma
for a person with dementia.
- The
Philadelphia Inquirer – Dementia makes moving to a new place hard on everyone. Here
is how to make it easier.
- For
Alzheimer’s Families – Will moving a person with dementia make it worse?
- Senior Link – 50 tips on transitioning a loved one to memory, dementia, or Alzhiemer’s care.
No comments:
Post a Comment