It is strange how something you consider as tragic or a
terrible ordeal, can ultimately prove to be of benefit or a
blessing. I did have one distinct advantage as a caregiver - I was
not a newbie or unfamiliar with the difficulties of being a caretaker and
having to deal with dementia. My father-in-law had been diagnosed
with early-onset Alzheimer’s 23 years earlier, and Kristie’s parents moved in
with us as we attempted to provide additional support. This 3-year,
nerve-racking experience allowed me the opportunity to observe directly and
personally the never-ending, day-to-day difficulties and incredible stress
involved with taking care of someone with dementia. It would be an
understatement to say that our helping Kristie’s parents, by providing support
in a multi-generational family setting, was distressing; but as a result, I had
the opportunity to watch and learn first-hand, and up close, from my
mother-in-law’s experience and how she functioned as a caregiver.
As often is the case, following a move with someone having
dementia, my father-in-law, George, became hyperactive and would often get
agitated and very angry, especially in the late afternoon when he was tired and
experiencing “sun-downing” as the light changed and evening
approached. Monitoring and taking care of George was incredibly
stressful on all of us, but especially for his wife, Marjorie. She
would try to reason with George and point out that what he was doing that was
wrong, in an attempt to correct him. Often, in exasperation, she
would vent her feelings by taking out her frustrations, letting George know how
disappointed, stressed, or angry she was.
It became very evident to me that Marjorie’s venting or trying
to reason with George did not help the situation or resolve it in
anyway. In fact, it only seemed to make things worse, and more
confusing and frustrating for both her and George. I learned that
confronting someone with Alzheimer’s or trying to reason with them when they
are confused or agitated does not work.
So, I took a very different approach in dealing with my wife’s
erratic and bizarre behavior and thinking. I remember repeatedly
saying to myself whenever Kristie became disturbed, confused, or upset
that “she is doing the best she can”. I
cannot express the difference this made in our relationship. I do
not think there was ever a time that I took out my frustrations on Kristie, or
tried to reason with her. The end result was she became more and
more trusting of me as her abilities to cope and deal with the realities of
life diminished.
I have observed something similar with other couples and find
it one of the unique things about Alzheimer’s - how a trusted spouse who
doesn’t embarrass their partner having memory issues, becomes the afflicted person’s “window
to the world” as they are no longer able to navigate through
life. I marvel at how trusting Kristie became of me as her
Alzheimer’s progressed. I often wonder if I am as trusting of the
Lord as she was with me. It didn’t matter where we were going or
what we were going to do, she seemed comfortable and happy as long as she knew
she was going to be with me.
I recognize, as I have said before and will say again, every
situation of dealing with someone with Alzheimer’s is unique. Sadly,
there will be individuals who despite their caregiver’s patience and loving
support, who will be distrusting and suspicious as their mental faculties fail
them.
I do not want to give the false allusion that everyone’s
experience will be similar or like mine; but patience and responding to someone
who is confused, disturbed, or agitated, with the attitude or approach that “they
are doing the best they can”, will help maintain a better relationship by
avoiding a major confrontation and meltdown.
Your comments or willingness to share related experiences and what you have observed below about the caregiver's attitude and the difference it makes would be helpful and appreciated.
Resource Links
- Seniorlink.com - Dealing with stubborn aging parents with dementia: 50 expert tips for communicating, gaining cooperation, understanding behavior, and more.
- UsAgainstAlzheimer's - 5 Things to Never Say to a Person with Alzheimer's.
- UsAgainstAlzheimer's - Helpful tips about caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's.
- UsAgainstAlzheimer's - Caring for the Caregiver: a resource toolkit.
- The Middletown Home - 5 signs of a good caregiver.
- Cleveland Clinic – Tips and suggestions for dealing with memory problems and planning the day for people who are newly diagnosed with Alzheimer's.
- Seniorlink.com - Dealing
with stubborn aging parents with dementia: 50 expert tips for communicating, gaining cooperation, understanding behavior, and more.
- Mayo Clinic - Alzheimer's and dementia care tips for daily tasks.
- FirstLight Home Care - Maintaining a good attitude as a family caregiver.
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