My father-in-law began to show signs of Alzheimer’s in 1983, and while visiting with my wife Kristie’s parents (George and Marjorie) during the summer of 1984, we were asked to come down to George’s dental office where a young dentist was interested in purchasing the practice. The office staff took Kristie and me aside, telling us the practice had to be sold because George could no longer do many procedures. In fact, the staff had delayed many patient procedures for over six months because of their concerns. They are emphatic that no matter what was offered, it must be accepted. George and Marjorie did accept the offer to sell the practice, but George’s dental partner objected and exerted his rights to purchase George's half of the practice, but at less favorable terms.
By the fall of 1985 it was becoming very evident that Marjorie would need assistance caring for George as his Alzheimer's continued to progress. She and Kristie began talking daily by telephone. This was before there were long distance telephone plans and our monthly phone bills were several hundred dollars, generally more than our rent. George and Marjorie were able to get a ride with friends to be with us during Thanksgiving in 1985. It was a pleasant visit, but our time together only made us more aware of the problems which were overwhelming Marjorie.
Following this visit, Kristie and Marjorie began exploring options to help care for George. Kristie, as the eldest of seven children, took a leading role in supporting Marjorie and among the options, younger siblings were asked if they would move in to assist George and Marjorie with the understanding that they would then be given the family home when George and Marjorie passed away. The other siblings were either single or newly married and were not prepared to take on the additional, scary responsibility of having to deal with George's dementia.
Eventually, Kristie and Marjorie decided it would be best for us to jointly purchase a large home and George and Marjorie could come to live with us. It is to Kristie's credit that in a time of critical need she was willing to step in and provide the backup and support her parents required. While I was not involved in the original plans, I was very supportive and trusted Kristie's assessment of the situation. In reality none of us knew what we getting in for.
During the summer of 1986 we jointly purchased an old historic home with 5 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. Our family moved into the upstairs rooms, and George and Marjorie joined us in the fall, moving into the ground floor master bedroom. It was chaotic trying to find a place for everything while dealing with George's dementia and Marjorie being overwhelmed. We were not prepared for the emotional turmoil which would develop. I was away during the day, very busy at work, but eventually the challenge of it all got to Marjorie and Kristie. Within a month, they were not talking to each other.
I almost got whiplash from how quickly it went from them being best friends (not to mention horrendous phone bills from them talking with each other) to now living together and being unable, or willing, to communicate with each other. While it was terribly hard on all of us, the stress on Kristie and Marjorie was horrific and destroyed their rapport and trust. It was a hard lesson and one I hope other families can avoid.
Every situation and family dealing with Alzheimer's is different, which quickly becomes obvious as members of a support group related their experiences. It's almost like you can group family member's response into: 1- denial, 2- abandonment, 3- supportive from a distance, 4- being overwhelmed, 5- actively involved. Often how someone reacts is a combinations of the behaviors and feelings listed above.
I believe we did a better job responding to Kristie's early-onset Alzheimer's 30 years later. It was our daughters who came to me shortly after Kristie was diagnosed and said, "You can't do this by yourself. You should sell your house and come live with one of us to take care of Kristie." Two year later, we moved half-way across the country to live with our youngest daughter and her family in a large home we jointly purchased - which was a blessing. Our previous experience helped us avoid many of the mistakes we made with Kristie's parents. Again, it was stressful for all of us, but it has strengthened rather than ruined our relationship, as I tried to relate in Moving by or in with Family.
Your comments or willingness to share related experiences below about Family Communications & Support would be helpful and appreciated.
Resource Links
- Family Caregiver Alliance - Working with siblings.
- Alzheimer's Association - 10 ways to help a family living with Alzheimer's.
- Alzheimer's Association - Creating your care team.
- Alzheimer's Association - Resolving family conflicts dealing with Alzheimer's and caregiving.
- National Institute on Aging - Helping family and friends understand Alzheimer's disease.
- Alzheimer's Foundation of America - How to organize and hold a family care meeting.
- Daily Care Giving - Caregiver family meetings: 5 keys to sucess.
- Michigan State University - Tips for planning and managing a caregiver family meeting.
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